Book Report: I’m Glad My Mom Died, by Jennette McCurdy
This book has been on the NYT Bestseller list for 80 weeks, it’s got a shocking title and a very eye-catching cover, and it’s written by someone who was already a celebrity, so you’ve probably heard of it.
I had no idea who Jennette McCurdy was before reading this book, but it turns out she was a child actress. She’s 12 years younger than I am, and her shows were for people her age and younger, so she’s never been on my radar.
This book came out just a few weeks before my own mom died, and while I didn’t know the circumstances of the plot, I commiserated with the statement in the title. I mean, I never would have phrased it quite like that. And now that I’ve read this book, I understand that McCurdy means a totally different thing when she says it than what I would mean if I said anything like it.
My mom and I had a flammable relationship. It took massive effort not to argue with and criticize each other, and living in her home again as an adult, as her caretaker, was one of the most miserable and difficult things I’ve ever done. My mom was also sick for a decade before she died - I watched her waste away very slowly, and by the end there was very little that she could enjoy in her life. She couldn’t walk or talk for very long, she didn’t really leave the house, she had Celiac disease and dental challenges that made eating difficult, and she hated that she needed to be cared for. It embarrassed her and frustrated her. I’m eternally grateful that she had the love of her family every day for the last couple years of her life. She got out from under a shared roof with my dad and got some peace, sharing a home with her big sister and seeing her own mom regularly.
I never wished for my mom’s death, but I did stop praying for her to live longer and longer. My prayers went from “please don’t let my mom die” at the beginning of her illness to “please let my mom have some joy and peace” toward the end. The relief I did feel at her passing had to do with her suffering finally ending, and also, more selfishly, with our tumultuous relationship finally having closure. When my mom died, we were both forgiven for all of it. I felt a tightness I’d carried around for my entire life finally release: the friction was gone, we would never hurt each other again. We could just love each other. I wouldn’t say “I’m glad my mom died,” but I would say “there was beauty in my mom’s death.”
On the other hand, I absolutely would say, “I’m glad Jennette McCurdy’s mom is dead”.
For what it's worth, Jennette McCurdy never wished for her own mom's death either. She worshipped her mom, and did awful things to herself in the name of pleasing and trusting her mother. It’s only years after her death that McCurdy is able to see her mother’s behavior for what it was, and take comfort in her death.
This wasn’t just a difficult relationship, this was blatant child abuse that persisted for decades. McCurdy’s story is horrifying. Her mother manipulates her into an acting career and multiple eating disorders, leading to her alcohol addiction and some other truly upsetting mindsets and behaviors.
I cannot recommend the audiobook version highly enough - McCurdy telling this story out loud adds a deadpan humor to it that might not shine as much on the page. She tells shocking stories in the voice with which her child brain comprehended them, without shock or horror. It’s not exactly “laugh out loud”, but McCurdy’s frank telling of her own story, of her sticking with this horrible woman with a child’s gullibility and trust, is haunting, and somehow, she does make it a little bit funny.
The events of this book are disturbing, no doubt. But the story is true, and sadly not even unique. I understand McCurdy’s desire to tell her story, both for her own healing and to expose many of the dirty secrets of the child acting industry. I’m not sure what the average reader can do to protect child actors. How can we know what crimes we’re supporting when we watch these kids in movies and TV? But maybe this book will dissuade a mom or two from setting their children on a path like Jennette’s. Maybe a kid will read this book in time for it to save them from some of what she went through. Maybe a family member will read this book and realize what’s happening to someone they love. Maybe someone will read this and realize they’re not alone. Abuse can only exist in silence - we must shine light on these assholes in order to stop them.